Pretense of Love

I look at my past life in the new age bullshit of Love and Light and Ascended Masters and Shaktis and mahavidyas and so on and so... If I can stop myself from throwing up I will forgive...

Cool Motherfuckers! Pretending and controlled and Silent
Walking in this world ignoring the world
We called it Love
We called it Real
Walking in this mess, in silence
That was my walk
Pretending,
That by being "POSITIVE" all will reverse

So I go into forgiveness, the forgiveness of all the people that I perceive have created my present self.
Investigating every thing that has happened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become preoccupied with the ideas of samadhi, the tantra, empowerment, dakinis etc

What the Fuck???

How is it possible that I live in a country like the United States...
A country where our congress has just authorized another 106 billion dollars for war in Afganistan and Iraq. How do I live with myself?
I feel sick.
I want to scream out on the streets, scream on the train, scream in my office....
We must stop this killing.
We must not allow this world to continue
We must not allow children to be killed by drones and poison and jacked-up soldiers who do as they're told.
How did we let our world come to this?
What can I do?
Does anyone out there have ANY ADVICE?

"No-one can enslave another = you can only enslave yourself. "

Thanks to this beautiful planet for providing me the opportunity to breathe and live another day.
The challenge is to challenge myself: my habitual behavior and programming.
I am in process, I am trusting myself, I am here.
When feelings come up that cause an emotional response I allow them, without judgment.
I forgive myself for these emotions and look to the roots so I can yank them out.
I observe my body to tell me where in my process I am fucking up.
I allow myself to have thoughts that are not in line with corrective application of forgiveness. Once I allow them and observe them and forgive them they have no power.

The Trigger: A Friend Moves Away

Over the past nine years I've had most of my friends move away and leave New York. I just learned that another close friend is moving far away. The main reason I live in NY is b/c of my work. and b/c of my elderly parents. Without my friends here I feel adrift.

I am not enough: just me, just myself! I reluctantly admit that I am not living a self directed life.

I would prefer to be a painter, rather than work for a publishing company but I am afraid that I will not earn enough money as a full time artist.

I live out my fear. Maybe it's good that so many of my friends are gone. It forces me to face what I have accepted without the distraction of friends.

Sometimes I actually feel sorry for myself, then I stop the mind, then it happens again, than i feel bad for feeling bad for feeling sorry for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feelings of feeling "bad" b/c i feel sorry for myself!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I was someone other than who and what I am, right here, right now
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I need friends around me in order to feel good about myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself that I have not become a full time artist
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of myself as "less than" another who is living a self directed life
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my parents for accepting and allowing a life for myself that is not what I ideally want
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel lonely and then to feel bad about feeling lonely
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for thinking that an outside agent can alleviate my feelings of loneliness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself and for perceiving myself as self-centered and self absorbed
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my friends as a way to avoid myself

My Path to Self Honesty

Here I will attempt to bring myself into alignment with my intention to live in self-honesty and self forgiveness. I do not take naturally to spilling my guts in public. Like the vast majority of us, I have been managed and indoctrinated into a life of consumption and production and my story is universal and not very unique. My shyness and my egoic reticence represents my attachment to the system and the superficial comforts it affords: an "identity" as separate and unique, the illusion of energy, the idea of hierarchy, etc. etc...the HARM-ony of a self-contained slave.

How will I wrestle out of this? Not really sure. I will use the tools provided through the Desteni material: breathing, self forgiveness, and self honesty. Why do I take these tools as valid? I am following what began as a spontaneous agreement with myself that the information on the Desteni site was a way out.

We'll see about that!