Just fooling myself?

This is in response to my last video. At that time I felt a kind of euphoric experience of self awareness.

The Human Body via Sunette:
"In self awareness you become aware of the truth of you, the truth of self and it most certainly is not a beautiful, pretty, magnificent, great, extraordinary experience. It is not. If you in any way have a great, magnificient, extraordinary, beautiful euphoric experience of self awareness, self honesty, self realization -- you are mind fucking with yourself because none of it that exists in this existence if real at all."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOEBkbydVwM&feature=related

Me standing up

I see more clearly the ways I haven't stood up for myself as myself
There are times where I have avoided appearing to be the "bad guy/woman"" I have not consciously stood self-directed
Fears: If I stand up and really say what i am, what i want, I'm "mean"
If I stand up for myself I might not be liked.
fear: standing up:to be alone

I have a friend who needed a place to stay. He has been staying with me. Recently i have asked him to leave and he hasn't, coming up with various reasons why he shouldn't, why, if I am a "good friend" I would understand and not expect him to leave.Today when i have told him he needs to leave he still doesn't want to leave, he's not leaving voluntarily.

My response has been " I don't want to be the bad guy" so i have told him it's time to leave and he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he needs another week, etc.
and I let him stay.
so when I said I stand as me, as self direction, I was just fooling myself.

What happened in my childhood with my brothers I repeat now. I was young, i was taunted, abused and I didn't stand up to them.
I must have believed there was merit to their abuse and I was willing to sacrifice my self worth and put up with conditions and abuse.

Now this is really the same kind of abuse,self abuse, to not honor my own request....
Now it looks like i have to get angry and stand up to my friend and tell him it's time to go.
So, I did. He says he will leave on mon/tues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to let go of my need to be "nice"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of my own power
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defer to another's needs over my own needs because i don't want there to be conflict
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exhausted by my inability to stand up for my wants and needs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wanting to please people so they won't be angry with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I do not have the same rights as another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please others at the cost of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto situations, even though I am not happy, because it is easier than creating conflicts
I forgive myself for accepting allowing belief in the polarity of anger and sweetness or passivity; the polarity of bad and good.

We Pay for Our Chains

Costly chains, wrapped around my body
Controlling self, this wayward child
Who is it that believes in betrayal?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and prevented myself from full expression of myself.

I am the full expression of life.
I express life as I am breathing
I am life in full expression
Here and in this moment

I do not need anything or anyone to fully express who I am
Even when I may have moments where I have identified with my mind I am still my own sound frequency, my own sound expression; unique.

I am awareness

If I have moments when I deviate and identify with my mind I remain complete I remain free I remain expression; complete and vital to the unity of all life of which I am one and equal.

I stand as one and equal as the expression of life for all who here now and all who are to come

I challenge my habits based on thoughts, feelings and emotions and I stand one and equal with all that I have accepted and allowed and all that exists as my expression as self.

I am not of mind consciousness systems.I am not a picture. I am the expression of equality and oneness. I stand equal to all. I am not a preprogrammed existence. I am not my thoughts. I am a unique frequency of sound that expresses oneness and equality. I am open to full expression as who I am as one and equal.

I forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to represent who I am in picture forms and to represent myself to myself as a picture.
My expression is not of pictures. I am not energy. Who I am may not be completely known to me but I know who I am not. I am not my past lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enamoured with the idea of the significance of past lives.

I trust myself as the expression of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as expression of life.

I trust myself that I will face what it is I need to face so that I amy remain one and equal with all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to face all that I have accepted and allowed.

I am not delusional; I am in truth one and equal to all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I may be delusional in my expression as one and equal with all of Life

I trust that my physical body is my primary assistance in my manifestation as one and equal to all of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor my body.

My body is my starting point.

I trust that stopping the mind, applying self forgiveness and living in self honesy is of assistance to all life including plants, animals, trees, the planet and all pure life essence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor all life essence in all manifestations.

I trust that what I do in my standing as one and equal is of unconditional support of Nature, of all life essence.

Relationship Rut

Alice Bailey from the Dimensions:
Two minds relate, two minds desire sex, two minds start a Relationship; charging and recharging the relationship, cycling, recharging, charging up again and starting again, the beings become possessed by the relationship, it is exists on energy. Eventually the energy runs out. It becomes hard work to charge up and have sex. Eventually (usually) the relationship ends, the beings are off and on to another, to recharge and be introduced to new energy and all it does is charge and support the mind.

What if my first crush was on MYSELF? What a mountain of SHIT I could have been spared!

I forgive myself that I abandoned myself in the search for love
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek approval and attention outside myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel as if something were missing from me that caused me to go outside myself to validate myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed that I did not stop the cycle of relationships that have caused me to abandon myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to prefer checking out of my own life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think someone else has a better life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the "energy" of a relationship
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in "energy"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in the cultural norm of being in a relationship
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stay in relationships even though I was being dishonest with myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about relationships
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself use relationships as a way to avoid being honest with myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be relationships because it is easier than being alone
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to define myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to feel good about myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to feel normal
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself believe in the concept of normal

Relationship Rut

Alice Bailey from the Dimensions:
Two minds relate, two minds desire sex, two minds start a Relationship; charging and recharging the relationship, cycling, recharging, charging up again and starting again, the beings become possessed by the relationship, it is exists on energy. Eventually the energy runs out. It becomes hard work to charge up and have sex. Eventually (usually) the relationship ends, the beings are off and on to another, to recharge and be introduced to new energy and all it does is charge and support the mind.

What if my first crush had been on MYSELF?

I forgive myself that I abandoned myself in the search for love
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek approval and attention outside myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel as if something were missing from me that caused me to go outside myself to validate myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed that I did not stop the cycle of relationships that have caused me to abandon myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to prefer checking out of my own life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think someone else had a better life
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the "energy" of a relationship
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in "energy"
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become trapped in the cultural norm of being in a relationship
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be in a relationship
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to stay in relationships even though I was being dishonest with myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about relationships in general
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself use relationships as a way to avoid being honest with myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be in a relationship because it was preferable to being alone
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to define myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use relationships as a way to feel good about myself
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use relationships for sex