Me standing up

I see more clearly the ways I haven't stood up for myself as myself
There are times where I have avoided appearing to be the "bad guy/woman"" I have not consciously stood self-directed
Fears: If I stand up and really say what i am, what i want, I'm "mean"
If I stand up for myself I might not be liked.
fear: standing up:to be alone

I have a friend who needed a place to stay. He has been staying with me. Recently i have asked him to leave and he hasn't, coming up with various reasons why he shouldn't, why, if I am a "good friend" I would understand and not expect him to leave.Today when i have told him he needs to leave he still doesn't want to leave, he's not leaving voluntarily.

My response has been " I don't want to be the bad guy" so i have told him it's time to leave and he keeps coming up with excuses as to why he needs another week, etc.
and I let him stay.
so when I said I stand as me, as self direction, I was just fooling myself.

What happened in my childhood with my brothers I repeat now. I was young, i was taunted, abused and I didn't stand up to them.
I must have believed there was merit to their abuse and I was willing to sacrifice my self worth and put up with conditions and abuse.

Now this is really the same kind of abuse,self abuse, to not honor my own request....
Now it looks like i have to get angry and stand up to my friend and tell him it's time to go.
So, I did. He says he will leave on mon/tues.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unable to let go of my need to be "nice"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel afraid of my own power
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defer to another's needs over my own needs because i don't want there to be conflict
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel exhausted by my inability to stand up for my wants and needs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wanting to please people so they won't be angry with me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I do not have the same rights as another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to please others at the cost of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto situations, even though I am not happy, because it is easier than creating conflicts
I forgive myself for accepting allowing belief in the polarity of anger and sweetness or passivity; the polarity of bad and good.