dishonesty as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my self dishonesty, forgetting that I am programmed to be dishonest and I am allowing myself to participate in this dishonesty and that I am doing the best I can here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that this dishonesty is in fact who I am as I am still existing in the mind most of the time and forgetting that I am in a process of dismantling my programming and that I need to be kind to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that I exist in my secret mind of thoughts, feelings and emotions and that I have accepted this secret mind as the "the real me" not realizing that this is not who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify as me, as who I am with the mind rather than stopping my mind, rather than experiencing myself here with me as enough as breath as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a picture of myself to the world which is a presentation of dishonesty, based on fear of letting go of my thoughts, feelings and emotions based on mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of who I am, my "identity", my past, my career, my though, feelings and emotions because i erroneously believe they are the real me when the real me is here, always present, undefined, not needing anything, not fearing anything, not hoping for anything.

This comes from a belief that there is something i will lose if I continue in this process. This comes from a belief that I must be nuts and that I have found a group of nuts to mirror my insanity and we're all fucking nuts and we're going to be really sorry some day when we find out out we were fooled again. That is a big fear that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing. Because how many times have I allowed myself to be fooled only to act surprised when the rug gets pulled out from under me which gets back to self-trust and how i forgive myself not trusting myself to know what is right for me but from this perspective how could I have ever trusted myself when I am a programmed system and what makes me think that now, all of the sudden, at this remarkable interval in my life, I have now FINALLY FOUND the ANSWER? I mean, REALLY, how do i even begin to trust myself??? I trust that air will be here for me to breath. that's about all I really trust. so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loose faith in self trust, thinking that once again I will fuck myself with some kind of fake enlightenment/way out /answer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed by my secret mind, operating in the 'belief' that anyone that would know the real me would see how self serving I am, and I would be ostracized and rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself and to fear others as me as it will reveal the secret me and my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a false identity so that I may have license to remain in self dishonesty; to lie and deceive myself as others so that no one as me, can see the deception and truth of my dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself for not being more honest with myself and with others as myself; preferring instead to remain in my bubble where I can just pretend I am "evolving" "progressing" "becoming more aware" instead of me being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present myself as a "caring" person, as someone who is "positive" and "peaceful" when the truth is I have not allowed myself to realize the extent of my lack of self trust and self dishonesty and self judgment.